#shit anthony burch says

[correctdndadsquotes]

Freddie: Hey, can we just take a quick vote here? Do we still want Beth on the podcast?

Anthony: Oh my God, if it's between her and you, I'm so sorry.

Will: Yeah, are you trying to stage a coup right now, dude?

[punks23]

"Grant got knocked up and is now also dealing with [Redacted]... yea grant got knocked up hes pregnant now. (Second of silence) mpreg."

[ohnoitsnoma]

me everyday on this website

[paging-possum]

No because the number of nonwhite dndads fans saying they were put off the show/fandom because of the way white fans treat nonwhite characters…….like hello. Is that not a bit of a sign there’s a problem….If you’re all desperate to critique the show can you also critique the environment you’ve all made.

[variksel]

ok but this is like an entire genre of Guy right

like. personality, looks, humor, the way they all make darker jokes and/or content, even the way they talk and their cadence is so insanely similar i feel like im going crazy which factory are they popping these motherfuckers out of

[soup-child]

Anthony Burch is playing with hermie like children play with dolls and we are just here suffering the consequences

[lunarrosette]

I hope im not just so random tumblr user to you all but also the most delusional nark shipper

[waterberry-strawmelon]

it really sucks when the creator(s) of something you really like clearly have some unchecked biases that leak into their work, cuz you know they’d probably try and correct their behavior if they had it pointed out to them, but they’re just so oblivious that some little comments drop here and there that just brilliantly showcase how entrenched they are in their sphere of privilege to recognize it

[loverboybrightsideghost]

i'm so fucking scared

edit um. so. found out what the letter said. halfway through my tags. hhaha. funny silly podcsat. haha.

[correctdndadsquotes]

Matt: I point the gun and I shoot Scary.

Will: You shoot Scary? 

Anthony: [genuine panic] Scary?!

Matt: No, like I shoot Scary out of my gun…

[delusion-incarnate]

didn't think i could appreciate anything more than anthony being such a fucking phenomenal dm and then AND THENNN we got anthony let's-make-these-fuckers-cry burch as a player and LORD. MY HEART CANT TAKE THIS. WHAT DO YOU MEANNNNN THE FEELING OF JOY WAS SO ALIEN TO FRANCIS RHAT IT MADE HIM SAY "FUCK NO" TO BIG G GODSLAYER????? ARE YOU SHITTING MY DICK RN IM THROWING UPPPPP

[solitary-bones]

so dndads live show St Paul! idk how much of this is a spoiler for anyone else going to shows so I'ma cut here!

we had!

- so many gay people in the audience that as I was walking in to the venue I said to my friend damn this is like a pride parade and a bunch of gay people in front of me were like TRUEE

- a live performance of both! dead and gone and rocks rock! it was so incredible. Beth and Will both POPPED OFFF!!!!!! they were so cool oh my god. and Freddie fucking shredded it on the electric guitar it was so sick.

- silly St Paul themed dad facts plus Ron just uhh thinking all manual labor is called a hand job.

- the people royally fucking up the dice roll (not my fault I was in the balcony I cannot be held responsible)

- the people absolutely manifesting the complete improv prompt as the live show topic. and all of the cast going into mourning over it (will fell to his knees on the stage so dramatically it was so funny)

- the cast deciding to do a DND game with their characters! Starring: Will Campos as Henry oak as Mr Chris (later Dr Chris), by the book health inspector! Matt Arnold as Darryl Wilson as Darryl, ex football quarterback now accomplished priest searching to remember all 10 commandments! Beth may as Ron stampler as Nor Relpmats, doctor (the best health inspector of them all)! and Freddie Wong as Glenn Close as Glenn The Closer, weed enjoyer moonlighting as a health inspector relying on his gut! Anthony Burch as Patrick as Patrick the shit (among other characters)!

- the audience not being able to stop being horny when giving suggestions for what their location, bad guy, and theme were gonna be (bdsm dungeon, just a guy from the audience named Patrick, and a 10 commandments dildo)

- an abundance of flashbacks and one single flashforward

- butt spanking competition to get past the second door (it is a bdsm castle ig)

-mr Chris tests to see if the floor has been cleaned recently and thinks it hasn't. Glenn the closers gut says it's fine but Mr Chris says if he tastes some of what's on the ground he'll be able to tell better. Glenn the Closer bites his fingers and Mr Chris is into it.

- Mr Chris finding a dead cockroach on the ground and revives it using CPR and mouth to mouth (Anthony is the cockroach and also when will tried to fake the mouth to mouth yelled DO IT PUSSY so yeah they actually kissed like twice at least) and revived it to ask about the cleanliness of the floor and found it not very.

- none other than paeden bennets on the second level, who Darryl proceeded to obliterate with a holy football. I'm not lying (not before asking how Patrick the DM knew about their friend Paeden who was long dead and us getting a lively npc on npc scene by Anthony of Patrick meeting Paeden and getting punched in the balls and saying "I'll never forget you")

- Test by the health inspectors to see if the blood of paeden would get cleaned up. all of the soots from spirited away came in with little mops to clean it and cleaned all the party. Glenn rolled to see if he's into it and got a 9 but the crowd gave inspiration and he got a 6, which is 69 so he was and wanted to stay there forever with the soots. Henry as Mr Chris used his persuasion to get Glenn the closer to leave the soots by saying that whatever they're doing he could do it better. because apparently they're ex lovers now. (Anthony yelled something about Will wanting to kiss another boy)

- Flashback reveals that they were highschool sweethearts but were going to health inspection schools on opposite sides of the US and were talking about how their relationship would progress from there when Mr Chris' secret lover barges in and informs them that they're pregnant and he's the father! Glenn the Closer gets upset and asks what happened and Mr Chris proceeds to another, extremely graphic, flashback where Ron the doctor commentates the uhhh conceiving of said child. and Glenn is understandably upset at the graphicness of this explanation about being cheated on. They end with bitter words, stating they're now nemesis in health inspection.

- Nor asks Mr Chris how long it's been since he saw his son Patrick. (not since birth lmao)

- they go up to the final level, find Patrick using the commandment dildo, on the 8th one I think, and upon seeing his absent father run in and ask "are ya winning, son!?"gets extremely turned off. he understandably asks what he's doing there after being absent his whole life. Mr Chris explains that he's finally ready to be back in his life, with his husband Glenn the closer, and his newfound belief in Christianity from Darryl the priest who's really good at football.

- Flashforward to Mr Chris and Glenn the Closer living together and apparently "they're bougie enough to have their own priest" so Darryl lives with them too. Nor comes to visit and we see the commandment dildo hanging above the mantle.

and that's that on that.

[fryerdan]

A Proposal for Anthony

To: Mr. Anthony Burch, D.M.

Hello Mr. Burch,

You do not know me, I do not know you. However, it has come to my attention, (and I'm sure some others, possibly including yourself), that often you do not either have prepared, or want to have, a "interesting" dad-fact (your words not mine.)

And as such I have a proposal for you to consider.

During the course of these two seasons we have heard many facts about both 'The Dads' and 'The Teens', but I would like to propose that instead of having to rack your memory and dive back to the dreaded days of high school, you give the listeners a dad-fact, (or rad-fact), about the 'Kidads'. (Lark, Sparrow, Nicky, Grant, and Terry Jr.)

Providing dad-facts in this way would provide the listeners with either:

a. A small insight into the lives of these characters,

Or,

b. Some terrible emotionally devastating piece of information that will launch the listeners into a frenzy, or an immeasurably deep pit of sorrow. (*Insert any fact about Terry Jr. here*)

Of course I make no move to intrude on the structure that is the podcast. I simply felt as though when one has a kinda-lame, very-slim-chance-of-reaching-someone-who-can-do-something-about-it idea, it is one's duty to shout it into the void that is the discord.

Now you may be thinking, 

"Oh, heavens to Betsy! This sounds like more work that would have to be done every week!" And start comparing these to the facts of one (1) William Campos, written down with much forethought, but fear not! For, I need not remind you, you are the DM, you could literally say whatever random shit pops up in your head the second before you say it, and no one can dispute it. Imagine the power you could wield.

And so I leave this here, possibly never to be read, in the hope that it makes something easier, or that you at least get a chuckle out of it before you move on. 

Sincerely, (and with much love of the podcast),

Danthony Janthony W., Fellow DM and lover of putting way too much effort into jokes.

-Dan

(In actuality, I just thought this was an interesting idea and my sister agreed, so do what you want, it's not up to me. I do really like the podcast though, you guys do a great job. 👍 (Cast, please reiterate this praise to Anthony if he tries to deflect it.))

[sneezingisnotnormal]

The Definitive Best Episodes of DnDads

What do I mean by best? These are the episodes that have so many good emotional/hilarious beats that it’s hard to pick out any single moment in it. Every second is iconic. They are in chronological order, but they coincidentally also build from least iconic to most iconic. Spoilers, obviously.

Season 1, Ep. 44: Deck Picks

I think about this episode so much. The literal terror in the air from every which way. The jokes about this being the last episode. Ron literally getting punted out of the story forever. Mr. Moustache weighing the options of getting back his only friend ever or the person he used to be, then completely unrepentantly choosing Scam Likely. Scam Likely then IMMEDIATELY becoming Well Actually. Henry just casually getting a card that makes Lark hate him, literally setting up the ENTIRETY of season 2. Glenn picking a fight with a literal squirrel. Glenn winning AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. Glen losing. So. Hard. It’s the ultimate karma episode. Every moment feels predestined. There is nothing that makes a story better than complete and utter chance.

Season 1, Ep. 55: Mark! A Vagrant

Just conceptually, this episode is absolutely perfect. Bringing Ashly in to add to the utter chaos of the Jodie/Glenn dynamic was the PERFECT CHOICE. You have Goliath!Darryl having an identity crisis in the background. You have Will playing Jezball. You have Ashly and Anthony whipping out every embarrassing childhood memory they can think of. And of course, the crème de la crème, you have Glenn and Jodie fighting so hard to get the last word that they can’t even finish the goddamn fight. I swear to god I think about that shit every day.

Season 1, Ep. 56: SWAP (SWitched Ass Papas)

I mean. It’s a body swap episode. Of course I’m going to love it. Everyone’s interpretations of each others characters are so fucking perfect. Will!Ron looking to Beth!Darryl for advice on how to be a better Ron?? Immaculate, no notes. Beth!Darryl being fully just handshake and Catholicism? Hilarious. Matt!Henry basically just having a panic attack the whole time? 10000% accurate. Jimmy!Glenn and Freddie!Jodie sniping at each other every 5 seconds? I love it. One of my fave Beth May lines of all time: “I see the dramatic irony and I stick out my hand and say ‘Hi, I’m Darryl Wilson.’”

And THEN the conversation between Jodie and Dee Snyder. The call from Morgan that Jimmy!Glenn picks up and the pain of Glenn hearing his dead wife alive and well but no longer his wife. All of reality crashing down around these two men. A perfect blend of sad and utterly hilarious.

Season 1, Ep. 61: Death of a Salesman

Ron Stampler my absolute beloved. This is the only episode on this list that isn’t really funny and that’s because Beth May and Anthony Burch can tell a story like no one else oh my god. Going through Ron’s memories to find his anchor was such a clutch move. Starting off with something simple like Willie pushing him into the pool to teach him how to swim. Going on to Ron trying to cook dinner by himself. Then finally doing something good, something that made him worthwhile, only for Willie to walk in the second there’s an accident. Having to give up his dog. And finally, the fishing trip. Older Ron watching his younger self sadly, trying to prod him to do what Willie wants him to do, to not be a fuck-up, even though everyone else can see that it’s not his fault at all. Glenn going back to punch his principal. Finding the anchor in the fishhook, the thing Willie told him was special, that led Willie to trying to kill Ron, falling and dying in the process. It’s so fucking poetic and it makes me cry every time and everything about it is so well done. I could write essays about this episode.

Season 2, Ep. 34: Finding Tori

This is the episode I come back to if I need something to listen to because there’s no slow moment in this episode. It’s bit after bit after bit and I just cackle my way through it. I’m just gonna have to go chronologically through it.

First, the tight fives. Linc earnestly sitting down and over-explaining his favourite funny movie for 5 minutes is actually the most realistic thing I’ve ever seen. Taylor as Austin Powers doing anime themed stand-up to an utterly unimpressed Tori. Will being so fucking mad that he doesn’t get to be Austin Powers. Beth completely misunderstanding the assignment and doing 5 minutes of Napoleon Dynamite standup that’s 90% sexist jokes and 10% “wanna hear my Goofy impression? Gorsh.” Normal getting flustered and just completely ruining his chances with Hermie, who just fully to his face goes “you never loved me.” Anthony putting on full Joker makeup and delivering the BEST Gotham stand up the world has to offer. Tori just completely ripping each of them to shreds. Hermie’s “oh that’s ok I’ll kill myself.”

And like. That feels like a whole episode right? BUT NO. SCAM LIKELY JUST THROWS THEM INTO SPACE WITH A LIMBLESS NICHOLAS.

And now we have such bangers as Scary going insane! The wildest plans you’ve ever heard! ALL OF THE TEENS GETTING MARRIED SO THAT THEY BECOME ONE SOUL AND CAN USE BANISHMENT. The second they go to space it’s just a complete scramble to find a mechanic they could possibly use to get out of this. It’s truly DnD to its MAX, using the tools available to you to think outside the box.

Season 2, Episode 35: Apollo Four Teens

This episode, man. It almost feels like a completely different genre. I literally can’t pick a favourite part.

I mean you have them being forced to navigate their CANONIZED AND LEGAL POLYCULE. Anthony sending them back into space for 12 hours every time they try and say that their marriage isn’t real is maybe my favourite bit of DMing ever. Linc dealing with the episode 2 trauma of having a whole other life with a whole other wife who told him that she never wanted him to remarry???? Literally Matt is the king of random bits of lore that are brought up and resolved within 5 minutes I love it. Terry calling her mom to tell her she’s married is so fucking funny, I love Terry Marlowe. All the conversations about what pet names to call each other and the logistics of potentially opening up their relationship?? I love these guys being forced to seriously handle the consequences of their bullshit, it’s actually beautiful.

And then the fucking love triangle drama?? The Hero/Taylor enemies to lovers suddenly being shattered by Linc just trying his best to wingman for his husband?? Hero forcing Normal into all of this as HER wingman??? Normal pining like crazy over Hermie while Hermie suddenly falls HARD back into his crush on Terry??? And then Hermie offering a thruple to Normal to get him to wingman for HIM??? Peak comedy, someone get Normal therapy, he needs it after this shit.

And then you’ve got their plan to get Red Bull to sponsor them. Fucking insane plan to start with, and then they almost fuck it up just by literally doing the lamest stunts possible. I just can’t these teens are so stupid I love them so much.

Season 2, Ep. 37: Cut My Life into Pizzas

Ok. This is my favorite episode of DnDads. Hard stop. No other thoughts behind it. And that’s because it makes me laugh, it makes me cry, it makes me scream. It’s perfect.

First off, the All Star parody. Why did they do that to me. My heart simply cannot take it.

And then you have Terry freaking out, trying to find a way to fix the problem, putting on the hat just to get it out of the way, having all the memories flood back in. And Scary just can’t process what happened. And you get to see in real time as Scary realises that Willie doesn’t actually give a shit about her. And she decides that she CAN’T lose her stepdad. And you get to see in real time as Scary tries to fight back only to find that she’s given all her power to a man that wants to use her as a telephone. And you watch her lose all hope. She leaves her friends. She leaves her stepdad. She joins the kiddads and goes to help them get the final anchor.

The final anchor, which is the garlic knot heart of a pizza king. And it’s that kind of crazy ass piece of this world that makes DnDads the funniest fucking podcast out there. You will never make me laugh as hard as when I’m about to start crying.

And then you have the whole battle of Linc, Taylor, and Normal trying to get up the tower. Linc and Taylor becoming a fighting machine. The absolute insanity of Linc using Taylor’s toes a la ratatouille??? And of course, completely leaving Normal behind, causing Normal to officially snap: “LOOKS LIKE EVERYONE’S FALLING IN LOVE EXCEPT ME.” Deeply hilarious, and also deeply tragic in such a small and painfully familiar way. Meanwhile Scary is trying to find consolation in Sparrow’s stories about Terry Jr. and just feeling worse and worse. The👏emotional 👏turmoil👏

And then they get to the top and it’s a fucking meat door labelled vegans only. Anthony you motherfucker. And Scary just teleports in and rips that man’s heart out and offers it to anyone who can revive her stepdad. And she just completely shuts down when everyone says they can’t because she’ll never get to tell him what he meant to her.

And THEN, AS IF I’M NOT CRYING ENOUGH ALREADY, Linc confronts Grant. This kid who IDOLIZES his dads has to confront his dad and say “you’re doing the wrong thing. You had a choice and you chose wrong. And I can’t forgive you for that.” Grant trying so hard to explain to Linc that he can’t change who he is, only for Linc to say “well you knew you were messed up and you still chose to raise me. You chose to put all this onto me one day.” Jesus Christ. I need a character study on the Wilson’s. They hurt me. So bad.

Honorable Mention: 3.6 A Car is Born

An episode so fucking insane that the least memorable part is Francis getting a FUCKING GUN. The Tony Collette backstory. The moth Jesus. Dewar. I can’t with these idiots

[ginalinettiofficial]

hey what’s up hello okay so i finally just finished s2 e52 of dndads (had a very crazy work week so was listening in bits and pieces) and here’s the thing is that im also currently relistening to the whole season and earlier in this week, the most recent episode i finished, was halt and catch fireball, and before that ya know was mrs. swallows oak garcia’s home for peculiar teens or whatever that one is called where they are just. at normal’s house and we got to actually get to know rebecca a little bit and i have got to say that i don’t know if i could’ve picked a more painful and wild older ep to listen to as a precursor to dood riddance i really don’t!!! literally half of the shit in dood riddance just circles back to that arc in the swallows oak garcia home and it’s CRAZY

like first of all. the red vines, which they called twizzlers the entirety of e52 which was MADDENING as a person who legit just finished e30/31 where the red vines were introduced

but then like. e31 is where taylor gets the anime sword from nick!!! that he loses in e52!!!

there were a few other things that i’ve forgotten in the half an hour since i finished the ep because my brain is a sieve on a good day and i’m just getting home from two back to back 13 hour shifts (with an extra 1hr10/20 each day for the commute) so the brain machine is so fucking broke rn

but mainly. i wasn’t loving e52 esp after dood left i just was not vibing with it, i feel like the vibes were off in the room in a way that translated into the ep for a bit there, but then anthony in those last like three minutes brought it back around and with the roll of rebecca??? after i legit JUST finished listening to the eps that feature her the most prominently and like truly showcase not only normal’s relationship w his mom but also, as is said several times in e30/31 and their teen talks, just how similar normal IS to his mom and how he really clearly is a total momma’s boy and very much so seemed to be a kid who sought solace with his mom more than anyone else in his family and just. having legit JUST reestablished that in my own, made the end of e52 DEVASTATING for me in a way that idk if it was for other ppl??? idk haven’t checked the fandom yet im very disconnected this season but just.

like

i think that okay so we have ten parents it could’ve been, right? and five of those are the kiddads, and none of us want to see them die, so in that moment when anthony was telling us what was gonna happen, obviously my instinct was like “oh god don’t do this don’t do terry jr again but truly permanent” and then my next instinct was that it would be potentially even MORE awful if it was scary’s dad because finally there he is and that’s ALL she wants and for willy to take that moment from her would be INSANE and then (mind you this was my thought process over the course of literally 10 seconds, my brain is ping ponging in my head and has been since the second i got in the car to head home i need to sleep) and THEN my next thought was, oh god, but how fucked up would it be if it were marco??? oh god, how fucked up would it be if it were cassandra?!?!?!?! and then it was time for the roll and truly in those brief seconds basically my brain flicked through every potential victim and said “oh god THAT one would be the WORST”, EXCEPT for veronica and rebecca, and it made the hit of it being rebecca who was low down on my instinctual list to think of but then the second he said her name i was immediately ricocheted back to earlier in the week when i was listening to halt and catch fireball and mrs. swallows oak garcias home and how many emotions i had about normal and his mom just relistening to those episodes and then the fact that i DIDNT think to worry about her just

all of that combined to make that a CRITICAL HIT FOR ME OKAY like i am SO fucked up over this truly that was WILD and i applaud anthony burch for it and now am excited for the finale even though ive spent the last three eps just dreading it for several reasons but now im excited and devastated and i love that

anyways. that was word vomit i just NEEDED to get this out because the connections between those two episodes really will not stop hitting me in the head and i need to impart that onto SOMEONE. if u read this. ur a real one. rip rebecca swallows oak garcia you were a legend and i am so sad about u

[lunarrosette]

Relistening and episode 59

(The all or nothing coin)

Will: can I use it to fix my relationship with my son?

Anthony: you have to buy it and a one your son will murder you!

Oh how that aged. Time to add this to my (probably) unintentional foreshadowing